i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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