Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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