i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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