i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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