There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
