Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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