my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
It's like God shit irony all over that family
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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