who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
