just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
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The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
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She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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