There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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