1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Randomize
