imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
