If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
