Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
