Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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