i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
