I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
