soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We had sex on a dog bed..
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
