they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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