if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
