Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
