Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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