i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
this just has baby written all over it
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
