I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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