god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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