your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Randomize
