Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
