Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
