My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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