He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
