it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
