its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
