Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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