just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
