I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Bring me that man meat
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
