it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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