Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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