I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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