If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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