he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
