I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
