Someone shit on the floor
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
