I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
