what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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