Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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