He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
