i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
