the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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