I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
