In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
