so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
