I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
