3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now