If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.