This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
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Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think your dad took our porno
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.