you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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