I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
