some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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