i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
