I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
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Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize